Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The stories that surround me

I have been feeling better as the toll radiation takes on me is not near what the chemotherapy was.  In my quiet moments I have my doubts but mostly I am carried (and moved) by the love and outpouring of support I receive on a daily basis.  I have a driver everyday, food delivered by school families 3x/week and steady stream of cards from relatives, patients and friends, people come to visit me frequently.  I honestly did not know I was this loved in this way.  I must have done something right!

I like stories of people that have triumphed over the odds.   Whether it is Lance Armstrong, a convicted murdered who won journalism awards in prison, or a movie about football (On Any Given Sunday).  I need these stories.  They are soul food for me now.  Everyone of them makes me cry.  I am now following this HBO miniseries about the Pacific war against the Japanese.  It too makes cry.  One of the characters, Eugene,  goes to war an innocent boy, becomes involved in near unspeakable horrors in battles and he overcomes his fears to perform with valor.  He becomes a man who will never be the same after what he has survived.  I relate to him.  So I cry a lot.  It helps me manage the fear of uncertainty. 

The plan thus far has not been evaluated for success so I am left with my own faith that all the treatments thus far are working or have worked and a bit of physical evidence.  The most important of which is my pain from the tumor is down significantly.  I take no pain medication other than Motrin (which I mainly take for fevers) and marijuana (which I mainly take for sleep).  Whatever pain I do have I think is from the blood clot in the effected leg, but that is not so bad thus far.  I take a Lovenox injection daily in my beely.  My thigh appears slightly smaller but overall most of the thigh is swollen and hard.  I don't know if this is good or bad.  I choose for it to be good.  My reasoning is that such a larger tumor as I had even if it were killed would not dissipate in a few weeks.  My surgeon has said that by the time he gets to the surgery the tumor will be dead or nearly dead.  I am hanging on to that. 

In the meantime I wait for my ride to radiation and try to get out of the wheelchair so my ass doesn't get sore.