Thursday, August 05, 2010

I Can Walk! I Can Walk! Alex Marches Upon The Earth Again!

April 6, 2010
One month and a few days after my "limb sparing surgery"  the strength and coordination in my leg is good enough again to take steps unassisted.  I am not fast and not without weakness or pain but the healing is picking up speed and so are the steps.  The numbness is abating as is fear and anger.  Now a few more "insurance" rounds of chemotherapy and I will be done.  Done! Done! Done!

There is no going back to the old ways of cynical, self-denying thinking.  I strongly believe that this medical odyssey was about getting the message about this.  I never believed it was meant to kill or mame me.  If I can maintain these lessons than I think I will actually be done with this cancer for this lifetime and will have fulfilled this idea that "cancer patients are the lucky one's".  The trite assumptions that there are no guarantees in life and that we take our health for granted can no longer be overlooked. 

Miracles abound.  It is miraculous that my leg was not made dysfunctional by the tumor.  It is equally miraculous that I did not have the tumor type that invaded my bone.  It is a third miracle that the tumor did not metastasize.  A further miracle was that the tumor was removed without destroying my nerves or blood vessels and was 99% dead.  For all of these miracles I am so very very grateful.

I would like to say that my stalwart approach to this odyssey helped me; it did in many ways.  I also must acknowledge there were so many dark and difficult days when negativity and cynicism overtook me, when my spirit felt defeated, when hope was in very short supply and I just felt like crap.  I also must acknowledge that I did the best I could with the tools I had under some very trying circumstances.  The fear and anger was so high for months.  While I was in it nobody could say what the outcome was going to be.  My Dr's, to my chagrin, were always guarded and never hinted to my progress as they didn't know either.  This left me to twist in the wind for months, following their program and my beliefs both good and bad without knowledge of success or failure. 

It was like a one hour TV dramas like CSI except the outcome was not known.  At a certain point we all know a show like CSI has to resolve itself because that is how that show always goes in a  specific time frame.  In reality we don't know the outcomes of our life and my medical odyssey provided plenty of drama as to how all of it would end up.  

I am so glad and grateful the hardest parts appear to be behind me now. 

Many thanks to all who have supported me through all of this chaos.